you know that moment when you decide you're ready for something big? maybe you were ready to move, quit your job, or go back to college. you knew at that moment you were ready (or at least thought you were). daniel and i had that moment ten months ago, when we decided to have a baby. i thought when you decided to have a baby that you just got pregnant.. that's how it happens on social media, or in the movies. i didn't know that it could be months and months of pregnancy tests and crying every time they were negative. i didn't know that i would push God away, even though i know His plans are greater than mine.
so let's start with october. that was my first month off birth control. we were so excited to start trying. we were so excited that we couldn't keep our mouths shut, and happened to tell a few people we were trying. which in hindsight is exactly what God planned, because now i can't keep our struggle a secret. i tend to do that with my struggles. God really did plan for us to spill the beans to all our closest friends and family so now we have those friends praying for us and checking up on us. thanks God for your good planning skills.
as november, december, and january went by i started getting a little frustrated, but those were busy months. my bestfriend was getting married, so that was a great distraction. thanksgiving and new years meant lots of family time, and very little time to worry. at the end of january i had an appointment with my new obgyn, dr. o'toole. she said everything looked great and that i had nothing to worry about, but if i still wasn't pregnant in six months to come back and see her. that eased my mind, but daniel still decided to have his own fertility testing done.
daniel went in for fertility testing in february, and his results showed that he had low morphology. i'm not a doctor, but with extensive googling, i figured out morphology is the shape of the sperm. so basically his sperm are abnormally shaped. so daniel went on an assortment of vitamins and medicines from his urologist. he recently had another test in july that showed his morphology has improved by two percent, but still isn't as high as it needs to be.
august 8th is the day we are looking forward to. we have our first appointment together at dallas fort worth fertility associates to see dr. gada. i'll have fertility testing to see if there's anything preventing me from getting pregnant, we will finally start looking at our options.
daniel and i have been going back and forth about whether to keep waiting, or to actively pursue treatment. we hear so many stories of people trying to get pregnant for months, and then it finally happens. what if that's us? what if we don't need fertility treatment, but we are just impatient? what if we try to remain patient, but it ends up being two years with no babies? i'm constantly running through scenarios in my head of the best and worst outcomes. the thing i'm starting to realize is that i'm looking at it from my perspective. i'm thinking about what would be the best for me and the worst for me.... but who am i to say what's the best for me or the worst for me. isn't God in control? isn't God all knowing? don't i claim that my trust is in Jesus? then why am i worried about the "best outcome" for my family? God knows. God already knows the best outcome because He planned the best outcome before i even existed. God is working in our marriage to bring us closer together through this entire journey. i feel so blessed to have such a strong husband to support our family.
i also want to add that i have friends who have been trying for years. i know many people have been trying for much longer. i have friends and family who have miscarried. i don't claim to feel the pain they feel, or understand the loss of a child. all i know is what i've felt. if you're going through infertility, i want to pray with you and for you. i want you to feel encouraged that you aren't alone. i want you to know that the Lord has a plan for you and me.
a few months ago in Portraits of Devotion by Beth Moore, there was a reading from 1 Samuel 1. i immediately related to Hannah, and her struggle with infertility. she was in pain. pain that she couldn't conceive. pain that she couldn't bare a son for her husband. she couldn't overcome her pain except through prayer. she surrendered to the Lord's will. she asked the lord for a son, and then she surrendered. i'm still trying to surrender. but the thing is that even if i never get pregnant, He is still good.
But now, O LORD, You are our Father, We are the clay, and You our potter; And all of us are the work of Your hand. Isaiah 64:8
xoxo,
kelsey
