July came and went pretty quickly, and it became pretty obvious that it wasn't our month when I got 10 negative ovulation tests in a row. Ovulation tests drive me crazy. I know that I'm ovulating so why doesn't the $40 clear blue digital test tell me when! This was frustrating, but there wasn't anything I could do about it so we just waited patiently (or not so patiently) for our August 8th appointment.
Daniel and I couldn't figure out why we were both so anxious. This is a good thing. We are finally going to figure out what's going on, and why it's taking so long to get pregnant. Well friends, one appointment doesn't tell you that. My sonogram showed that one ovary looked like it may have a small cyst, but the good news was that both ovaries have 5-10 good follicles. They were going to do some blood work to check TSH, Prolactin and AMH, but then I would have to come back on Monday for a them to check FSH. Instead of doing two sets of blood work within a week of each other, I opted to just get blood work on Monday. This will slow down our results a little bit, but shouldn't be a huge deal in the scheme of things.
During our appointment we actually got to sit down with Dr. Gada, and talk about our plan of action. I have a couple of friends who have seen him so I had been told that I would have a plan and that I would really like him! Probably one of the most down to earth doctors I've ever met. Not that any of you doctors out there aren't, but sometimes doctors are so busy that they're unapproachable. Dr. Gada doesn't even act busy or rushed, he spent about 30 minutes with us talking, and then actually preformed my sonogram himself. If you've ever had a sonogram it's usually done by a tech! This impressed me, not that I would have changed doctors anyway because there aren't a ton of in-network fertility clinics.
At the beginning of our consultation he told us about "the birds and the bees". He literally spent about 10 minutes telling us about all of the specific biological steps that happen in your body to reproduce, and all the hormones that need to be present for everything to work out. Apparently one of those steps is probably missing for us, possibly a hormone isn't being produced enough, or my fallopian tubes could be blocked, or there could be literally no explanation. Not knowing isn't really bothering me anymore. I've realized I don't have to know because my God is all knowing.
He then went into a plan of action for us specifically based on our medical history, and this past year.
Monday I will have the blood work to check on my hormone levels, and this month I will also start my first cycle of Clomid. So if you know me get ready for the Clomid crazies. We decided to jump in head first and do our first cycle of IUI this month. Meaning I will be at the doctor constantly this month to get ready for that. Since it's our first IUI the details are a little fuzzy. In a nutshell it involves Clomid, HCG injection (trigger shot), an HSG to check my fallopian tubes and then IUI when I'm ovulating.
IUI has about a 36% success rate over three months, but Dr. Gada said we will probably have a much higher success rate because of our age. So this month we probably have a 20% chance of conceiving. It feels like we have been wanting this for so long, that for someone to tell us we have a chance this month has made us very hopeful.
Back to our anxiety... I talked about how before our appointment we were both so anxious. The first reason is that we keep getting bad news. This appointment was full of all hopeful good news! Praise God because he knew we needed something to be hopeful about. The second part of our anxiety is because we tend to lean on each other instead of trusting in God. We are anxious because we forget to lay it all at the feet of Jesus. Every stress, concern, and selfish thought have all been nailed to the cross. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2 has rung so true to me this year. I would be carried away and drowned by the waves of this storm if it wasn't for the Lord being my rock and fortress. Seeking refuge in Him is the only way to remind myself that this is a now problem, not a salvation problem or a kingdom problem. This is a struggle because I want and desire children, but even though that's a normal desire it's always been selfish in my heart. I am stepping back and saying Lord if you want us to have kids we will have kids, and if not He is still good.
If you feel like I'm oversharing, I am. So many times as Christians we hide our struggle in the deepest corner of our closets, and pretend like they're not there. Well I'm shouting our struggles for everyone to hear. Life is hard, trusting God is hard, and infertility is hard. I pray that you trust the Lord in your valleys and in your mountain top moments.
xoxo,
kelsey
