Pregnancy has it's downsides, but I was not prepared for how I would feel after giving birth. My body had just spent nine months stretching, growing, and preparing to deliver our sweet baby, and then it was over. My bump was gone, and I was left with the pretty gross after labor recovery. On top of it all, you will sleep two hours at a time for the next few months. Basically you and your body were and still are completely dedicated to that little 8 pounds of baby fat! 

If you're like me you COMPLETELY forget to take care of yourself. New clothes? HA. Put on makeup? uh with what time... But I'm here to tell you that YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I would even suggest that you "Treat yo self". You just had a baby.... probably one of the hardest things that anyone has ever done. 

July came and went pretty quickly, and it became pretty obvious that it wasn't our month when I got 10 negative ovulation tests in a row. Ovulation tests drive me crazy. I know that I'm ovulating so why doesn't the $40 clear blue digital test tell me when! This was frustrating, but there wasn't anything I could do about it so we just waited patiently (or not so patiently) for our August 8th appointment. 

Daniel and I couldn't figure out why we were both so anxious. This is a good thing. We are finally going to figure out what's going on, and why it's taking so long to get pregnant. Well friends, one appointment doesn't tell you that. My sonogram showed that one ovary looked like it may have a small cyst, but the good news was that both ovaries have 5-10 good follicles. They were going to do some blood work to check TSH, Prolactin and AMH, but then I would have to come back on Monday for a them to check FSH. Instead of doing two sets of blood work within a week of each other, I opted to just get blood work on Monday. This will slow down our results a little bit, but shouldn't be a huge deal in the scheme of things. 

During our appointment we actually got to sit down with Dr. Gada, and talk about our plan of action. I have a couple of friends who have seen him so I had been told that I would have a plan and that I would really like him! Probably one of the most down to earth doctors I've ever met. Not that any of you doctors out there aren't, but sometimes doctors are so busy that they're unapproachable. Dr. Gada doesn't even act busy or rushed, he spent about 30 minutes with us talking, and then actually preformed my sonogram himself. If you've ever had a sonogram it's usually done by a tech! This impressed me, not that I would have changed doctors anyway because there aren't a ton of in-network fertility clinics. 

At the beginning of our consultation he told us about "the birds and the bees". He literally spent about 10 minutes telling us about all of the specific biological steps that happen in your body to reproduce, and all the hormones that need to be present for everything to work out. Apparently one of those steps is probably missing for us, possibly a hormone isn't being produced enough, or my fallopian tubes could be blocked, or there could be literally no explanation. Not knowing isn't really bothering me anymore. I've realized I don't have to know because my God is all knowing. 

He then went into a plan of action for us specifically based on our medical history, and this past year. 

Monday I will have the blood work to check on my hormone levels, and this month I will also start my first cycle of Clomid. So if you know me get ready for the Clomid crazies. We decided to jump in head first and do our first cycle of IUI this month. Meaning I will be at the doctor constantly this month to get ready for that. Since it's our first IUI the details are a little fuzzy. In a nutshell it involves Clomid, HCG injection (trigger shot), an HSG to check my fallopian tubes and then IUI when I'm ovulating. 

IUI has about a 36% success rate over three months, but Dr. Gada said we will probably have a much higher success rate because of our age. So this month we probably have a 20% chance of conceiving. It feels like we have been wanting this for so long, that for someone to tell us we have a chance this month has made us very hopeful. 

Back to our anxiety... I talked about how before our appointment we were both so anxious. The first reason is that we keep getting bad news. This appointment was full of all hopeful good news! Praise God because he knew we needed something to be hopeful about. The second part of our anxiety is because we tend to lean on each other instead of trusting in God. We are anxious because we forget to lay it all at the feet of Jesus. Every stress, concern, and selfish thought have all been nailed to the cross. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2 has rung so true to me this year. I would be carried away and drowned by the waves of this storm if it wasn't for the Lord being my rock and fortress. Seeking refuge in Him is the only way to remind myself that this is a now problem, not a salvation problem or a kingdom problem. This is a struggle because I want and desire children, but even though that's a normal desire it's always been selfish in my heart. I am stepping back and saying Lord if you want us to have kids we will have kids, and if not He is still good. 

If you feel like I'm oversharing, I am. So many times as Christians we hide our struggle in the deepest corner of our closets, and pretend like they're not there. Well I'm shouting our struggles for everyone to hear. Life is hard, trusting God is hard, and infertility is hard. I pray that you trust the Lord in your valleys and in your mountain top moments.

xoxo, 

kelsey

you know that moment when you decide you're ready for something big? maybe you were ready to move, quit your job, or go back to college. you knew at that moment you were ready (or at least thought you were). daniel and i had that moment ten months ago, when we decided to have a baby. i thought when you decided to have a baby that you just got pregnant.. that's how it happens on social media, or in the movies. i didn't know that it could be months and months of pregnancy tests and crying every time they were negative. i didn't know that i would push God away, even though i know His plans are greater than mine. 

so let's start with october. that was my first month off birth control. we were so excited to start trying. we were so excited that we couldn't keep our mouths shut, and happened to tell a few people we were trying. which in hindsight is exactly what God planned, because now i can't keep our struggle a secret. i tend to do that with my struggles. God really did plan for us to spill the beans to all our closest friends and family so now we have those friends praying for us and checking up on us. thanks God for your good planning skills. 

as november, december, and january went by i started getting a little frustrated, but those were busy months. my bestfriend was getting married, so that was a great distraction. thanksgiving and new years meant lots of family time, and very little time to worry. at the end of january i had an appointment with my new obgyn, dr. o'toole. she said everything looked great and that i had nothing to worry about, but if i still wasn't pregnant in six months to come back and see her. that eased my mind, but daniel still decided to have his own fertility testing done. 

daniel went in for fertility testing in february, and his results showed that he had low morphology. i'm not a doctor, but with extensive googling, i figured out morphology is the shape of the sperm. so basically his sperm are abnormally shaped. so daniel went on an assortment of vitamins and medicines from his urologist. he recently had another test in july that showed his morphology has improved by two percent, but still isn't as high as it needs to be. 

august 8th is the day we are looking forward to. we have our first appointment together at dallas fort worth fertility associates to see dr. gada. i'll have fertility testing to see if there's anything preventing me from getting pregnant, we will finally start looking at our options. 

daniel and i have been going back and forth about whether to keep waiting, or to actively pursue treatment. we hear so many stories of people trying to get pregnant for months, and then it finally happens. what if that's us? what if we don't need fertility treatment, but we are just impatient? what if we try to remain patient, but it ends up being two years with no babies? i'm constantly running through scenarios in my head of the best and worst outcomes. the thing i'm starting to realize is that i'm looking at it from my perspective. i'm thinking about what would be the best for me and the worst for me.... but who am i to say what's the best for me or the worst for me. isn't God in control? isn't God all knowing? don't i claim that my trust is in Jesus? then why am i worried about the "best outcome" for my family? God knows. God already knows the best outcome because He planned the best outcome before i even existed. God is working in our marriage to bring us closer together through this entire journey. i feel so blessed to have such a strong husband to support our family.

i also want to add that i have friends who have been trying for years. i know many people have been trying for much longer. i have friends and family who have miscarried. i don't claim to feel the pain they feel, or understand the loss of a child. all i know is what i've felt. if you're going through infertility, i want to pray with you and for you. i want you to feel encouraged that you aren't alone. i want you to know that the Lord has a plan for you and me. 

a few months ago in Portraits of Devotion by Beth Moore, there was a reading from 1 Samuel 1. i immediately related to Hannah, and her struggle with infertility. she was in pain. pain that she couldn't conceive. pain that she couldn't bare a son for her husband. she couldn't overcome her pain except through prayer.  she surrendered to the Lord's will. she asked the lord for a son, and then she surrendered. i'm still trying to surrender. but the thing is that even if i never get pregnant, He is still good.

as we find out more about our baby makin journey i will keep y'all updated. 

But now, O LORD, You are our Father, We are the clay, and You our potter; And all of us are the work of Your hand. Isaiah 64:8